Love is more than just holding hands

March 30 2009 at 6:15pm

It’s when you smile in the morning telling yourself today will be a better day. It’s when you tell yourself you can forget the piercing words he said to you just yesterday. It’s when you realize it isn’t the end of the world just yet. Even when you feel sometimes like you don’t matter anymore. Even when the world around you spins every time he uses that tone and you start running out the door in tears. Even when you feel like today is the day that it will all end. But it doesn’t. It just continues on and even when you wonder when it will ever end, you can’t know the future. All you can do is just live and continue to breathe.
Sometimes faking like you’re happy isn’t all that bad. Sometimes faking just helps you to take things easy. But faking can turn into denial and when you’re in denial, the game starts to get dangerous. You start to reminisce the past, the first encounters and experiences—the first red rose he left at your doorstep, your first kiss, your first touch. All that was beautiful now just seems like layers and layers of illusions, illusions that become part of what’s stopping you from having the courage to move on on your own. You want to go back to the good days, but there’s no way. Times have traveled, so have you and him and everything else in the world. He admits to having changed. Even you have. There’s nothing wrong with change. But right now you feel, in many ways, the tables are being turned, and not for the better. Maybe it was your fault in the past, maybe not, who is to judge anyway and does it matter anymore at this point?
Should you give up or should you keep chasing after what you hope can still be? You don’t know because you are scared. You don’t want to let go and you are possessive and jealous. You are so confused you could be in any position in bed and can’t stop crying all night just thinking about what have become of you and him. Time does help to heal but your heart is impatient. It can’t wait until you and he are apart again and things start happening all over again like they always did. To an extent you even feel shortchanged in the relationship. And you fear he will never understand what you mean.